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Well, maybe not lighter fluid. But not hooch that you would choose to drink, let’s say that.

Hey man, don’t be so skeptical! They’re terribly comfortable. I imagine everyone will be wearing them soon. Despite what they say, people in man-thongs are not to be trusted. Ok, it’s sorta true, but still.

Q. What do the Gynecologist and the Pizza Delivery Guy have in common?

A. They can smell it, but they can’t eat it.

Q. What’s the difference between Jesus, and a picture of Jesus?

A. It only takes ONE nail to hang a picture.

Jesus walk into the Inn and hands the Innkeeper 3 nails and says, ” Can you put me up for the night?”

How do we know Jesus really COULDN’T walk on water? The holes in his feet, of course.

Q. Why do women love Jesus?

A. Cause he’s hung like this.( Arms spread wide in crucifixion pose.)

Q. How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?

A. Suck his dick.

Q. What’s got 2 legs and bleeds alot?

A. Half a cat.

Q. What’s red and silver and bumps into walls?

A. A baby with forks stuck in it’s eyes.

Okay, that’s enough shock humor for now. Just be glad YOUR dad didn’t tell these jokes to YOUR sunday school teacher.

BBG forwarded this to me with the subject line “Ladies, run out and get one for YOUR guy!” I told her that whatever weird-ass shit she wants to do with Freak is just fine with me, but if she comes near me with that stuff, I’m knocking her out. And Freak, before you get all defensive of your lady, which is understood, close your eyes and make the mental picture of yours truly. Trust me, I do it in the interest of humanity.

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So, as I’ve mentioned, BBG has moved into my house. All’s well, right? Wrong! We have had a few ‘getting adjusted’ difficulties. I hate animals in my bedroom whilst I’m trying to sleep. She has a little lasa apso(sp?) named chewie.( after chewbacca of course. Told you, this chick is cool!) Cool name or not, I become hypersensitive at bedtime, and all that little furball does is lick herself. Ug, that incessant lapping sound makes my skin crawl. I lie awake, bug-eyed, staring at the ceiling wondering how comfy my couch is…..anyhow, she is a little put off by this, as she would prefer to have the little fleabag in our bed. Ug.

Second, the bitch ate my brownies! Not all of them, mind you, but I had kinda grown attached. Guys? Help me out here. Men tend to develope emotional bonds with thier food. It’s a little bizarre, but after living the bachelor life for many years, this new adjustment is harder by far than the dog business. I think about my ‘hot items’ when I’m away. Fellas, how many times have you driven home just a teensy bit faster cause you’re thinking about that other half of the sandwich in the fridge? That half of a pizza? That second stack of chips ahoy, ( still pristine in it’s waxy cellophane, sheer perfection!) ( Funny how all this stuff tends to be some variation of half….) but I digress….Dudes, get a secret little fridge, put it in your room, cover it with a sheet and put a lamp on top. Only in this way will the ladies be put off the scent of our coveted munchies!

Anyhow, other than that, life is good! Work is easy, and Wood finally coughed up my CDs, and I am exstatic! I’m gonna go listen to them now. Piss off. Look for me on a bus stop covered in newspaper after BBG reads this. Also, when you see me, leave food. Preferably half of something?

Pay attention boys as Rachel gets Fruity.

Technorati Tags: funny, Internet, medicine, personal, science

Alright guys, time is short, I have no idea how long I can hide out here until theyre onto me, but I’ll be brief. I have evaded many security officers and circumvented many sensors in order to be here in this room, but hey, you guys are worth it.

So, Petco park kicks ass. I highly recommend any baseball fans out there to free up a weekend. The gaslamp district is awesome, and the California trim? Oh my god! I hear. I was there with my girls, and BBG has a special skewer she likes to poke my nuts with when my neck gets too rubbery. Nah, I kid. she’s cool. She lets me look. It’s like I always tell her, it don’t matter where you get your appetite, as long as you eat at home, honey. She likes that. I was fortunate enough to meet up with Dutch at the Sunday game, and he and his roommate joined me and BBG and an old pal of mine from high school whom, as fate would have it, just happened to be in the same place at the same time as me! How cool, as we hadn’t seen each other in years. So, after the game, he took us all to a joint called Rock Bottom Brewery. Good eats, nice atmosphere, kinda like if Fridays meets an adult book store. Loud, but not too loud, and everybody minding thier own business.

So, I mentioned my time machine. It’s not terribly practicle, as it can only take you to the future, and not too far into the future at that. Pretty much hours, not so much years ( though I tremble to think….). This exciting new discovery is no secret, either. It is available anywhere electronics are sold. Give up? It’s called Grand Theft Auto, San Andreas, for XBOX. I turn it on, and hours melt away in mere minutes. Wack. Why, just yesterday, I got up and turned it on at 10am, and minutes later, it was 2pm and I had to go to work! Fuck! If only I could bring it to work….

Anyhow, I must go, as I hear sentries passing nearby, and this is the last place I wannna get conered in. Besides, it’s my friday, and BBG awaits me at home. Earlier when we spoke, she told me I was due some dick sucking, so needless to say, watch for the blur on the freeway, as it will be my truck. Homeward bound, as they say.

In closing, I’d also like to add that if all goes to plan, ( which little ever does) Wood and I are gonna try and record a show or two this weekend. Be on the lookout! I realize this blog is nowhere near as much fun as our magic on air, but thanks for hangin in there. Both of you. Fear not. We shall return. Bigger and better than ever! And finally, also like to give props to my Cubbies, who tarred and feathered the Red Sox today in thier first ever visit to the friendly confines. Here’s to 2 more just the same! Tune in folks, to sunday night baseball on espn. 8pm est! Oops, I hear footsteps approaching…….I better get ghost! Look for me anywhere sex toys are sold! F

PS Gun Oil is the best sex lube ever. BBG raves…..look em up on the web. Wood, where’s our link?

PPS

Everyone, email wood and ask him when Freak’s CDs will be done.

Nice boobies.

Because, not only is he at the ball game whilst I am stuck in the studio on a Saturday night, he’s hanging out with two totally sweet babes. Lucky!

This is Freak, having way too much fun. He did, by the way, send me a picture of BBG’s boobs and I feel much better now.

No, you don’t get to see them.

This is Freak’s current view of Petco Park, where the Cubbies are giving the Padres some good old fashioned prison love. I, you might have noticed, am not there.

And, no, sending me a picture of BBG’s boobies is not going to make it better.

Well. Not much better.